Posts Tagged ‘Integrity’

You are what you eat…

August 1, 2012

Recently, while cleaning my workspace I noticed a picture of myself from 10 summers ago.  The picture was taken without my permission, right after a midnight skinny-dip in a lake with some friends.  Luckily (for all of us), I had the sense to grab some clothes and cover my privates before the flash lit the night.  The picture has endured for years, moving with me from home to home.  It serves two purposes: one, as a reminder of good times with friends; two, as a reminder of what I looked like when I was at my prime physical condition.

At the time, I was very disciplined with my health.  I was eating smart and working hard at the gym.  It showed.  I looked good and I felt good.  One of the greatest feelings was that people were noticing.  It was nice to hear people say: “have you been working out?” and “you’re looking great!”.  I had no trouble taking my shirt off at the beach because I had a body I could be proud of.  Call me vain, but I enjoyed the feeling of noticing other people noticing me.  I was young and carefree and it felt as if the world was my oyster.

That was then.  It’s hard to imagine my best years are behind me, but it may be a reality.  When I look at the picture now, I can’t help but feel a sense of shame wash over me. We can’t stay young and vibrant forever, but that doesn’t give me permission to let myself go.  10 years later, I feel embarrassed to take off my shirt at the beach, so much so that I avoid going.

Ok, let me be clear.  I’m not morbidly obese or anything.  In the last 10 years I’ve fluctuated between 195-244 pounds, gaining and dropping weight so frequently I’ve earned the nickname Oprah (not really).  The entire time, I’ve remained athletic and continue to participate in recreational sports.  I can climb a mountain, bike 20 to 30km and play hockey, although, not in the same day.  I’m what you call ‘skinny-fat’.  Parts of me are thin and athletic looking, but my spare tire (belly and love handles) makes me look 7 months pregnant.  It looks as if I’m smuggling a volleyball under my shirt.

I joke, but I consider it a serious problem.  It’s not healthy to fluctuate in weight so frequently and it’s disconcerting to feel shameful about your body image.  I can’t buy into the idea that I should be “happy with who I am” when I know deeply that it’s my fault I’m overweight.  I wasn’t born ‘big boned’, I’ve just been too weak to eat healthy.  I choose the comfort foods over the healthy alternatives.  I’ll choose the hamburger with fries over the salad, or the chips and chocolate over the yogurt and fruit.  The consequences are extra pounds and a sense of guilt.

A little over a month ago my wife and I celebrated our wedding in front of 230 friends and family.  Although it was a joyous occasion, I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I didn’t have the willpower to work hard enough before the wedding to look the way I wanted to.  My wife was exercising 3-4 days a week and eating healthy, but I barely changed my lifestyle.  For months, I tried several times to get into the habit of exercising and eating healthy, only to give up within a week or two.  Even worse, between the wedding and our honeymoon, I put on 12 pounds.  When I returned, I weighed 228 pounds, and was disgusted with myself.

The day we returned I made a decision that I hope will resonate for the rest of my life.  I decided that I needed to make exercise and healthy eating a must, an absolute priority.  Since returning, I’ve been eating healthy and exercising regularly.  I’ve been frequenting the gym or enjoying the summer weather by hiking or biking.  It has been just over a week and the recent surge of healthy eating and physical activity has already helped me lose 6 pounds.

The best feeling is that eating healthy and exercising gives me a sense of integrity. I have had several opportunities to eat unhealthy foods and avoid exercise, but I’ve had the will to choose otherwise.  I feel good about myself knowing that I have the willpower to choose right and it’s only a matter of time before I start to enjoy the results.

I’ve decided to display the photo of me from 10 years ago where I can see it daily.  It will serve as motivation for me, a reminder of what I am capable of.  I realize that I may never look the way I did 10 years ago, but that is not my intention.  Instead, I wish to be reminded of what I felt like at the time, strong, healthy and confident, and that this feeling is completely within my control.

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Win the Day

July 25, 2012

Photo

 

In Ancient Greece there lived a stout, bearded, portly, loincloth clad philosopher by the name of Socrates who boldly claimed, “the unexamined life is not worth living”.  The phrase has endured for thousands of years, spurring debate in countless first year philosophy classes around the world.  It also feels like the most fitting starting point in my journey to discover (or rediscover) wisdom, my happiness and a sense of integrity.

 

The famous quote was delivered while he was on trial, accused of ‘corrupting the Athenian youth’.  He was found guilty and, rather than admit his philosophies were detrimental to society and be granted leniency, he took his own life.  Philosophers and historians believe that the trial was unjust and that Socrate’s was more an enemy of the rich and powerful than a corrupter.

 

He was an expert orator and untouchable in debates, a favorite activity in the bustling Athenian marketplace he considered his home.  Crowds would gather to see Socrates in action, for entertainment and education.  Socrates believed himself to be a ‘gadfly’, stinging people out complacency and forcing them to think about the ‘greater’ questions of life.  Socrates believed that it was our human obligation to think critically about life, our only gateway to happiness.

 

“Integrity is the essence of everything successful.” ~ Robert Buckingham Fuller

 

As mentioned in my last post, my homework was to examine what it is that is keeping me from happiness. I previously identified that happiness requires personal integrity and self-satisfaction, and without both I’ll never truly experience fulfillment.  I decided that the best way to tackle this task is to create a personal inventory, a list of gripes I have with myself in order to better understand my current situation.  If you want to know what’s in your bag, flip it over and empty it out.

 

The exercise seemed simple to me: make a list of what I don’t like about myself.  I took out an old-fashioned piece of lined paper and a pen and plunked it down on the dining room table, determined to log all of the gripes I have with myself.  Hmm… on second thought, the whole thing seemed a bit masochistic.  To soften the blow, instead of titling the list “things I hate about myself”, I drew a ‘frownie face’.  And, with that careful euphemism, I was off to the races.

 

“There are only two types of problems, the ones we solve and the ones we create.” ~ Mike Murdock

 

At first, the whole process was depressing.  As each item flowed from my brain to the paper it became increasingly clear to me that I was action-packed with problems.  My list was long and extensive, and as I looked it over, I was able to edit it, crossing off items I deemed trivial and combining others that seemed related.  I thoughtfully stared at my refined list and I felt suddenly overstruck by emotion.  The list represented everything about myself that I hated.  Every doubt and insecurity was right there in front of me.

 

I can’t be naïve and believe that this was the first time I’ve ever thought of these issues.  Inherently, all of us are self-aware of our insecurities and the bulk of what keeps us from a sense of integrity.  Truthfully, most of what was on my list was entirely within my control.  I try to remind myself that there is no sense in focusing on issues that are beyond my grasp of influence.  Therefore, my emotion was impelled from the realization that, despite the fact that I have practically always known deeply what troubles me about myself, I’ve chosen to continually live this way.  It truly is masochistic.

 

Why do I keep leaving things to the last minute?

Why do I overeat?

Why am I so disorganized?

Why do I neglect my personal health?

Why am I always so stressed?

Why do I lose my temper?

What is it about Pringles, ‘when you pop, you can’t stop’?

 

I’ve known these things since my adolescent years and it was overwhelming to think about how and why I continue to torture myself.  I know that I’m happier when I’m organized.  I know that I feel a sense of integrity when I can control my food cravings.  I can control my temper, can’t I?  The old axiom goes, “Those who know better, do better”, and yet, something was keeping me from ‘doing better’: me.

 

Afterwards, I looked online to see how my dissatisfaction measured with others.  I found a list of “The 10 Things Unhappy People Have in Common”:

 

  1. They hate their job
  2. They’re constantly worrying about money
  3. They don’t have any active hobbies
  4. They have wandering minds
  5. They commute a long distance
  6. They think ‘stuff’ will make them happy
  7. They’re lonely
  8. They don’t like their town
  9. They don’t have pets

10. They don’t like themselves

 

Generally, I could relate to some of the items on the list, yet others seemed of greater importance to me at earlier stages of my life.  Naturally, my greatest concern is with #10.  Integrity.

 

The whole activity had me in a bit of a sour mood.  I moved on from the list and turned my attention to researching the subject further online.  I am a junky for self-help blogs and slowly I found my mood changing.  As I read, it donned on me that I was not alone.  Most of the blogs I frequent are people introspectively analyzing their lives, yearning to change themselves for the better.  Even some of the more objective sites I follow, online magazines and news and philosophical and psychological academic journals, appeal to our human need for growth.  It felt better knowing that I wasn’t alone, that others are aware of their problems and searching within for answers.  Most of us know we have an itch, but can’t seem to figure out how to scratch it.

 

“Problems do not go away, they must be worked through or they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.” ~ M. Scott Peck

 

I looked around my house and noticed some of the very things that have been nagging at me: my workspace was cluttered and needed attention; there were stacks of folded and unfolded laundry on my couch that needed to be put away; and, it was nearly the afternoon and I hadn’t exercised.  These were the causes of my personal discontent.  Inevitably, I’ll end up in a situation where I’ll frantically search my office for a paper I require or face disappointment because the shirt I want to wear isn’t ironed.  Also, I can’t remember how many times I’ve told myself, “I’ll exercise later”.

 

You don’t need to be an Ancient Greek philosopher to figure out what makes you unhappy about yourself; it’s probably staring right at you.  I’ve begrudgingly been told Thomas Jefferson’s truism, “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today” far to many times to remember.  Instead, I’d always preferred Mark Twain’s “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow”.  Kidding aside, my habit of procrastination has held me from happiness on more occasions that I can remember.  So instead of continuing with this self-fulfilling prophecy, I got to work, and it felt good.  I cleaned, organized and exercised and I remembered how good it felt to be this productive.

 

“Win the day” ~ Oregon State

 

At the end of the day, I felt good about myself because I was productive with my time and energy.  In the moment, I was happy with myself, and when my wife returned from work, she seemed happy with me.  It felt like my own personal victory.  I chose not to focus on all the things I couldn’t accomplish today, or some of the deeper issues I need to focus on.  Instead, I enjoyed my brief success and I was reminded of the University of Oregon’s mantra, “win the day”.

 

Initially, heeding Socrates advice of living the examined life may feel devastating, uncovering skeletons locked away in the closet, right where we left them.  Dissecting ourselves is a daunting chore, and if we stop midstream we’ll be no further than we started.  It’s analogous to going to Ikea and buying a bookshelf, dumping out the contents and stopping there. If we want the bookshelf, we’ve got to build it and that takes hard work.  Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with instructions.

 

Yesterday was a good day, and getting my thoughts on paper today is satisfying.  For now, it’s time to get up and get on with my day.  I enjoyed the gym so much yesterday I’m going to go back for a repeat performance.  I’m starting to look like Socrates.

Eggs, happiness and integrity

July 23, 2012

 

Home is where one starts from” ~ T.S. Eliot

 
The end of any vacation is often bittersweet.  Our honeymoon in Thailand was amazing, but it’s back to the reality of being at home.  To be honest, as we pulled into the driveway, I felt happy to be home.  That may have been the delirium of 32 hours of travelling speaking on my behalf, because I can tell you, the weather in Thailand was a lot better than it was the day we arrived.  Plus, I actually had to make breakfast yesterday and when I came home from a family gathering, my bed wasn’t made!  It’s unfortunate because I was getting awfully comfortable with having chefs cook our eggs each morning.  Regardless, I’m happy to be home because I’m eager to tackle some of the areas in my life that need immediate attention.

 
Fortunately for me, I still have 45 days of vacation remaining and ample amounts of time to make some necessary lifestyle changes while I’m not dealing with the hustle and bustle of a busy workday.  In my last post I iterated some of my reasons for wanting to make some changes in my life.  Most notably, I mentioned that I want to live an extraordinary life.  I can already hear the cynics…

How does one live an extraordinary life?

Is there a line that divides ordinary from extraordinary?

How do you know the difference?

You have 45 days of vacation left?!!?

We all have the extraordinary coded within us, waiting to be released” ~ Jean Houston

I’m really not sure how to truly define what I’m looking for, but I know enough to know that I’m currently not living extraordinary.  Let me elaborate for the sake of clarity. Do not confuse my desire for an extraordinary life with an excessive life.  I’m not seeking fame and fortune, and I don’t associate a good life with such things.  I’m not looking to live an extraordinary life of travel and thrill seeking by jetting around the world on an air balloon or joining the cast of “Deadliest Catch”.

Instead, I’m interested in living the life I was destined to live.  I want to be the best darn Mr. Socrates I can be, and I don’t want to settle for mediocrity if I can.  I want to be as proud of my accomplishments as I am with the manner in which I accomplish them.  I want live a long life that I can be proud of and I want to leave a legacy behind for my children.  I want to be happy.

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” ~ Aristotle

For centuries, many great minds have devoted their lives the pursuit of happiness, often desperately searching for the secret recipe.  Many philosophers have tried, but none have nailed it down to a science.  If we all knew the secret, they’d be selling it at Walmart.

“Excuse me, where can I find happiness?”

“Down isle 5, next to the scented candles”

I must proceed with caution here because it’s easy to look at my life and think I’m being a tad overzealous.  Much of life is a matter of perspective, and I know that one man’s problem is another man’s prize.  I have many of the ingredients of a great life.  I’m not starving on the streets and I’m not dying of an illness.  I have the love of friends and family and a living room full of wedding gifts we haven’t found a place for.  I am fully aware that I can easily count my blessings.

However, happiness isn’t necessary a matter of what you have, it’s how you feel.  Wait.  Let me clarify.  My philosophical research on the subject, from Plato to Schopenhauer to Nietzsche, in addition to my experience at the “School of Hard Knocks” has led me to the realization that happiness shouldn’t be confused with pleasure.  Happiness isn’t necessarily defined by the feeling you get when you sip a Starbucks latte or a laugh during a rerun of your favorite Simpson’s episode, although they both may help.  Happiness and pleasure should not be confused, because the latte will go cold and the rerun is usually followed by the 6 o’clock news.  Pleasure is fleeting and happiness is here to stay.

The subject is immense and can feel overdrawn and convoluted.  Nevertheless, It’s a subject of great interest to me and I look forward to delving deeper in subsequent posts.

Inevitably, I believe that before we can even enter the debate about what happiness is, it’s important to realize that whatever it ‘is’, it’s unattainable unless an individual believes himself or herself to be happy.  In other words, unless I truly believe that I’m happy, on a steady and consistent basis, I will never be happy.

To be happy with who you are is a concept closely tied to the idea of ‘personal integrity’.
Integrity:

  1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
  2. The consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles expectations and outcomes.
  3. The state of being whole and undivided.

Integrity is what we say, what we do, and what we say we do.” ~ Don Galer

I value this word greatly, so greatly that it’s the reason I know that I haven’t truly found happiness, yet.  I believe myself to be an honest and moral individual, relatively speaking of course.  Mr. Socrates is no Mother Theresa, but I try.  However, where I’m lacking is in the relationship between my actions and my values and expected outcomes.  If you have an expectation of the life you wish to lead and you’re not delivering, you’re not going to feel good about yourself.  How can you feel good about the person you are if you aren’t the person you claim to be.  Or worse, you aren’t the person you deserve to be.

As I returned from my trip it was evident to me, perhaps by the 10 pounds I gained while on my honeymoon or returning to a disorganized workspace in my office that I’m not satisfied with certain aspects of my life.  I can’t feel integrity knowing that procrastination has cluttered my life and that stubbornness has led to relationships with unresolved differences.  Despite all the things I’m grateful for, I can’t be happy if I’m not happy with myself.

If anything, returning from a vacation is like returning back to being you, back to routine.  Except, this time it feels different… I feel different.  I feel an overwhelming need to make some changes, to be a Mr. Socrates that I can be happy with.  I want to live extraordinarily and it’s clear that my current mission is to find a sense personal integrity.  My search for wisdom is a search for happiness, a search for integrity.  Truth be told, I already feel a little better getting these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.

For now, it’s time for me to get on with my day and find the time to sit quietly with myself and think about the aspects of my life that need the most attention.  But first things first, I’ve got to go make my own eggs.